Tuesday, October 11, 2005

State of Affairs

I am currently in a strange, mild depression. It has nothing to do with the previous post (Mario's death). I mostly feel like I am in a job slump. I always say that I can do anything for six months. In New York, I worked at The Trust for nine months as a temp secretary. I was absolutely fine for six months and then I started getting itchy. Suddenly the tag "temp secretary" started bothering me. It was probably something about moving to another country and leaving everyone I knew behind, too, but I was aware that my patience was wearing thin, even though it was really one of the best jobs I've ever had. I had a great time there every day, save maybe two or three.

Now I have been at my current job for six months and I am officially tired of being a personal assistant. I look at the people, the kids really, who I work with and who have much better jobs, and I think, It's time for me to move up. I actually told the woman at the employment agency, "Oh, I'm great for six months. I can do anything for six months." I happened to see her today and she asked how things were going. I thought, Maybe she was sent her by some higher force. I said, "Great. But maybe I'll give you a call and we can talk for a bit." I also need to talk to my bosses and express my interest in doing something else.

On the other hand, I was reading an article today on Salon.com. There's an author, David Rakoff, who has a very interesting voice and who was on This American Life recently. He did a piece on fasting that was really good. I thought, That's what I'd like to do. I'd like to write. And if I'm weighed down by some career that's making me work 12 hour days, when will I ever find time to write? Maybe it would be better to have a job as a PA with some time to do other stuff than have a career and not be able to do stuff I love to do. Like, I wonder if these people have time to be in a choir or a writer's group. How late do they get home? None of them have time for a Dutch class.

On Monday, a guy in my writing group handed me a piece I submitted for last time. He wrote, "I've been involved in writing groups for nearly five years, and it's always great when somebody makes a big leap forward. I liked your Midwood stuff before, but now it is really alive - the dialogue crackles and sparks, the characterrs are technicolor 3-D and the prose flows really smoothly." I am stunned because I really admire this guy and I worked really hard on that piece and he saw it. It's totally what I needed.

I feel like I lack focus. I have so much going on. Trying to learn Dutch while doing working is really a lot. In fact, I have to print out my homework so that I can drop it by class on my way to choir.

I decided to just low-key, and to feel my feelings. It's better for me. I'd rather not be perky and fake. I'll bounce back. My normal level is very cheery. I count on it. It's almost luxurious to be depressy. (I can't even say I'm fully depressed.)

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