Dutch Birthday Party

This is a description of the traditional Dutch birthday party - and, really, almost any other gathering of the Dutch - from my experience.


(The picture is from Familiedag 2006, but notice how everyone is sitting in a circle.)

The traditional Dutch birthday party is done in the round - like knitting a sock? First, I feel like I must set the scene by saying that a lot of Dutch living rooms, especially the ones we visit in Haarlem, are sort of long and thin. And everyone sits along the perimeter of the room on couches and chairs politely talking to the people on either side and possibly the people across if the room is thin enough.

When new people come in (and we are inevitably late arrivals), they walk up to the birthday person and say, "Gefeliciteerd!" (It means Congratulations!) If it's a man (and you're a man) you shake hands. If it's a woman you kiss three times (alternating cheeks). Women also kiss each other three times and gay men (and the rare straight man) also kiss three times. The social constructs of the kiss-greeting are just how you would imagine it might be. I feel like I might have messed that up.

Then you proceed around the room usually beginning with the birthday person's partner and family (if possible) and greet everyone in the room appropriately while saying, "Gefeliciteerd." It's strange, but it's true. What doesn't make sense, of course, is congratulating someone for having a birthday. But the clinker in the whole situation is congratulating the neighbor from next door (who probably had very little to do with it) for the birthday person having a birthday. I shrug. Just do it. Everyone sees you coming and stops to talking long enough to shakes hands, saying their name if you don't know them. (Or they don't remember having met me.)

Then you take a seat in the circle. Usually someone will come and offer cake and coffee. And both are sometimes served with tiny little forks and spoons. I don't mind the spoons so much. Even Fred and I have miniature spoons for coffee. But I really don't like tiny forks. It feels silly to me, like I'm using a toy fork. I've got man-sized hands. Give me a manly fork.

If it's the right time of day, the following will happen with incredible precision: coffee cups and cake plates will begin to be taken up until all evidence of coffee and cake are gone. Then, beer and wine, along with an assortment of nuts and crispy things will begin to be brought out. It's like a different party. Occasionally a plate will be brought out with filled with a sliced "worst," blocks of cheese and mustard for dipping. Discussion will continue through all of this.

The party can go on like this for a while. You can be trapped between an elderly aunt and a cousin for hours. I will usually pop outside with one of Fred's sisters when she goes out for a smoke. Any reason to get up and move around is good.

That said, when Fred and I have birthday parties - we've had a couple - we purposely move people outside and around so that the circle never really forms. Oh they try! But we open up the terrace (of the neighbor next door) and lure them outside so they can sit in the sun. (They cannot resist sitting in the sun, those Dutch.)

Our parties are always a good time. We're good hosts and Fred's got a very social, friendly family. They just need to be helped along to resist the circle. Reminds me of a boss I used to have. Bill McPherson was his name. He had a Christmas party one year and kept going around the room taking people's glasses and saying, "What's that? Bourbon and coke? Let me put a smile on it for you." Then he would add a little bourbon and a little coke so that to the glass so that it was full again. Got us all very drunk. I like to be Bill when we have a party. People like that. Of course we only serve beer, wine and "fris drank" (sodas), but it's always nice to picture him hosting. (He was Irish, and it showed up in his party hosting.)

If you ever find yourself at a Dutch birthday party, just follow what the others are doing. They are friendly and experienced at getting through them. And don't be afraid to get up and walk around if you need to.