Fashion Trends I'm Tired Of

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I'm just getting around to doing it because the last offender just pushed me over the edge. The problem with a lot of fashion trends is that now that I live in Europe, it's difficult for me to imagine that the same things are happening in the good ole USA, but my fear is that many of these trends started there.

Issue One: Pants falling down. It's that pants falling down thing that the boys are doing these days. The waist of the pants hits somewhere at the top of the butt and the underwear shows. I accept that it happened. I accept that it was a trend. Now it's over. It's time to buy a belt and pull your pants up.

The thing that bothers me the most is that older guys are now doing it. If it was just younger (and therefore stupider) guys doing it, it would be one thing. Young guys are expected to try new things and wear crap fashion (hopefully) on their way to big boy clothes. But I've seen guys in their mid-twenties, late-twenties, etc. wearing these horrible pants. Recently, in Rome, there was a waiter who had to be in his forties wearing pants like that. Number one, he was a waiter (Number one point five, not a very good one) and Number Two, he was too old to be wearing that.

I was working in the ghettos of Brooklyn when this trend was going on accidentally. People didn't have belts. I had a guy who was wearing giant pants tell me that he had to wear his brother's pants because his were all worn out. I was working one day when someone said "Bling" to me for the first time. Now I see Bling in rhinestones on boxes in shopping malls here. (Granted, it's on clearance, but still!)

Issue Two: The thong that I can see. Wear your thong. Enjoy it. I understand that there are no panty lines and I'm all for that. But keep this picture in your head. This is what you could look like if your "string" gets out of control - see below:

That was in Rome, but she was American. So two countries have to take credit for this offense. Don't be a part of this. Keep your underwear out of sight. (Am I getting old or is this just logic?)

Issue Three: The Muffin Top. I just found out that this is Australian slang that was adopted in the US - love that. To my mind, a spare tire or love handles are okay. It happens. We're human and stuff happens. But the muffin top happens with these new low-rise jeans. It's almost as if the whole idea is to have a muffin top. I just think it's unattractive. Wear normal jeans and have a spare tire like your mother did when she was your age.

And if you're not a link-follower, I strongly suggest you follow the link to muffin top because links to the Wikipedia entry. Everyone should know this word - and use it.

A few months ago, I was talking to this young woman I was in contact with for a while - a business thing - and I asked her if she was aware of the term muffin top, as I had just learned it. I asked if she had a muffin top intentionally. She said, "No. In fact, that's why I always wear blousy tops - to cover it up." I thought, No you don't. You were wearing a tight black thing yesterday. Anyway, the next week she was on some diet. Truth is, she didn't need to lose weight. She just needed clothes that fit.

Issue Four: Crazy hair on young guys. Young guys have the right, nee, the duty, to wear stupid hair styles, but this is about a specific hair style. I don't know what it's called and I suspect it's the fault of some rock/pop star. It's a style that entails bringing the lower half of your hair down (think bangs all the way around) and the rest up and gelled within an inch of its life with a line between the two. I wish I had a photo, but I don't.

I had a few kids last year in high school do this and then yesterday we had a guy help us at the movie theater who was wearing his hair like it. It's just ridiculous. Shall I take you seriously as you speak to me with a totally distracting hair style or shall I take it as the joke it appears to be?

I had my share of nutty hair when I was younger, but I always say that I never had really good hair. My hair was always the wrong texture for me. I never knew what to do with it and in the Eighties, we had about five things you could do with your hair, as opposed to the hundreds of options kids now have. By the way, a friend just suggested that I do an Andy Baker Retrospective of my hair. And now that I have a scanner and a ton of pictures, I have found a new project. Look for that in the future. Should be fun.

Fashion trends come and go. I know that. I know that I am out of the loop in terms of where the waist of your pants hit, the newest underwear and what the current hair trends are. All I'm saying here is that if there is an expiration date on trends, my vote is to mark the expiration date on these trends as today and come up with some new ones. Lots of things have come and gone. These just need to go.

Grampa is going to take a nap now.